Three Simple Questions That Will Forever Change Your Life (And Relationships)

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[00:00:16] Lauren: Welcome to The Biz Doctor Podcast, my love. Letter to business owner is the world over. I’m your host, Lauren Goldstein, award-winning business consultant and advisor whose fondly nicknamed the business doctor by my clients. [00:00:30] My clients call me the business doctor because I help business owners who are burning the candle at both ends, diagnose what is actually keeping them stuck in and buried under the day-to-day of their business, and then formulate a business treatment plan to help them adjust their business and team to fit.

And most importantly, support them in having what I call true entrepreneurial freedom. If you’re ready to look at your business in a different lens and elevate yourself out of the business operator in the trenches [00:01:00] 24 7 to visionary business owner and leader who can take a breath vacation and have more fun making an impact with your.

Then grab your favorite beverage and your earbuds, and let’s dive into our latest episode.

Welcome back to the show. In today’s episode, I’m gonna share with you some of my most powerful questions to ask [00:01:30] yourself or others to change your life and your relationships for. The reason this episode is so close to my heart is because I have struggled with effectively communicating before, and I know that when you’re feeling like people don’t get you or understand what you’re trying to say, it can make life feel so much harder.

So these are some simple questions, but when you see the impact it makes on your relationships and your stress level, you’ll thank me. So here we go. First, have you ever found yourself frustrated or even resentful [00:02:00] when someone doesn’t take your quote unquote advice? Yep, me too. Been there, done that. That is until I discovered this magical phrase that set me free.

You ready? Grab a pen. Here it is. Do you want me to listen or do you want me to support? I’m gonna say it again. Do you want me to listen or do you want me to support? I also sometimes ask in this moment, do you want a sounding board or a brick wall? What would be most support? [00:02:30] An actual sister to this question is, what are you looking for from me in this moment?

The reason I love these questions, or rather combo of questions, is because it removes all the assumptions around the exchange, which also removes mismatched expectations, which if you’ve been listening for a while, you will have heard me say before. Unshared expectations are nothing more than premeditated resentments.

So what these question [00:03:00] gems do is they put the onus on the other person to actually say what they’re looking for in that moment. It also takes the pressure off of you. It allows you to take a sigh relief that you don’t have to assume, try to read somebody’s mind or walk on eggshells trying to figure out what they actually want from you.

I actually saw this magic firsthand, and it has forever changed my relationship with my dad. So let me tell you a little story about that. So you can see the power in action, or in this case, [00:03:30] how it could have stopped some very unnecessary conflict and frustration. So, as some of you probably know, we have a family business.

And before I retired from coo, I wore two hats, c o o, and daughter. And I remember one night, this was during the times of Corona when stress levels were in an all time high, high. And my dad called me and was, you know, talking about these, all [00:04:00] these things. And so naturally I went into coo. And I was, you know, trying to help and he was getting more and more frustrated and I couldn’t figure out what was happening.

And finally he was like, God, why do you always try and solve something when all I’m really doing is calling to vent? And I, in that moment I went, holy crap, , how many arguments have we had? Because I thought he was calling to have me solve [00:04:30] something and he was really just calling to vent or to share or to just shoot the shit as he says sometimes.

And so what I really love about this question is I no longer have to wonder, and actually just a few days ago when he called and was in my mind, quote unquote complaining about something, I used one of these phrases and I said, what are you looking for from me in this moment? And he said, well, really, I’m just calling to, to [00:05:00] share and to vent.

And so I knew that my only role in that conversation was to listen to be that brick wall and not a sounding board, not a strategizer, not a problem solver, certainly not a coo. And I just, I love that. Life is too short to be stuck in ambiguity or conflict or stress. And just think of how many situations we could have had different results if we just [00:05:30] paused and asked what was needed from us in that moment.

And a quick note about how I can support. So, you know, the first question is, Are you looking for me to listen or do you want support? This was a question I learned through my emotional intelligence leadership course with Ascension Leadership Academy, and gosh, does it work wonders. It empowers rather than suggest someone can’t do it themselves.

So what I mean is when you ask someone if you can help, [00:06:00] because a lot of times we say, how can I help? Do you need help? Et cetera, et cetera. While well-meaning as it is, it does subconsciously create a disempowering belief that they can’t do it or that you’re better than them. And I know that’s not our intention, but that is sometimes how is perceived.

So when you say, how can I support and actually gives them back their power to ask for what they need in the moment, and it opens up the realm of possibility of what support for them looks like. [00:06:30] Because as we all know, we are not. And what we think they might need as support versus what they think they need could be very different from moment to moment situation to situation.

Sometimes, for example, when my friends who’ve been through a l a ask me this and I really think about it and what I might need in that moment is a hug. Other times it’s a sounding board. Other times a go do something fun and get my mind off it. Otherwise, it’s advice. But [00:07:00] again, what I love about this question, Is, it takes the guesswork out of the relationship and it puts everybody in a non-emotional, non-reactive state where we can actually make a connection and make a difference.

Take these simple questions. I use them all the time when someone’s coming to me and trust me, it will change everybody’s lives for the better. The second phrase that changed my life is actually a [00:07:30] three-part self-reflective question. A simple but profound set of questions to help me take a pause and not react, but rather be proactive in my communication.

Are you guys sensing a trend in case you’re not? The trend here with all of these questions is pausing. And proactivity because I realized that a lot of our miscommunications in our relationships, in our business, et cetera, come from reactivity, from emotionally charged reactions that [00:08:00] may or may not actually be what was said or what was meant to be said or anything like that.

So when you can take a pause and be proactive with your communication, the world will open up. So the three questions. What is the purpose of this communication? A k A? Why am I wanting to share this? Two, who does this need to be shared with? And three, is now the right time to be sharing it. Now [00:08:30] the reason why this set of questions is so powerful and impactful is because I realized that’s an advisor and business consultant for over 11 years.

I have a lot of things I could say. I have , I’ve got a lifetime of knowledge. But the beauty of getting older is that not everything needs to be said, or if it does, it’s not always at that time place or with the said. I learned these three questions again when I was going through my emotional [00:09:00] intelligence leadership course with the Ascension Leadership Academy here in Austin.

My coach at the time gave me this new perspective on communication that has not to be dramatic, completely transformed my life, and I’m hoping it’ll do the same for you when I dive in a little bit deeper into each of those questions now. So the first question. What is the purpose of this communication?

A k A? Why am I sharing? This is, again, a moment to take pause and get really clear on why I feel the need to share in this moment. [00:09:30] Is it important information? Is it critical? Is it urgent information, or is my ego wanting to be right, wanting to be valued, wanting to support, wanting to be seen, acknowledged, et cetera.

See, something I also learned through this pause is as I shared a bit earlier, just because I know the answer or feel I should share it doesn’t mean I need to. There’s a big difference between knowledge and [00:10:00] wisdom. You can have a lot of knowledge, but wisdom is actually knowing when to share that knowledge and in and how much knowledge to share.

The second part is almost just as critical to reflect on before. Once I’m clear on why asking who needs to be part of the convo becomes paramount. What I learned is that more often than not, something that I wanna share with a group doesn’t involve the whole group and actually would be best served to share as a sidebar, or [00:10:30] conversely, something shared in a sidebar oftentimes would be more supportive to share to the group.

So no one is playing t. This is also a great way to nip gossip in the bud by getting clear on who needs to be involved. You can stop a lot of unnecessary stress and miscommunication by making sure you’re going to the source and the best person for the communication, rather than going the long way around the barn.

Last but not least, asking when. Make sure that your communication is [00:11:00] coming at a time that it can actually be heard. I know my ego likes to be right and get things cleared up asap, but sometimes scratch that most often if there are emotions flying or someone is on the defense, or even if they’re stressed and unfocused due to outside forces, the communication you’re wanting.

Isn’t going to land or resonate like you would want to or you would hope it would. So taking a pause and asking when is so critical, say, [00:11:30] when do I think the best time to have this conversation would be? Cuz trust me, there are good times for conversations and there are bad times for conversations and sometimes it’s as simple as saying, when do you have time to have this convers?

Or if you’re giving feedback, , this is also very important saying, are you open to feedback? Cuz sometimes people are not open to feedback and not open to having the conversation that you wanna have in that moment. [00:12:00] By asking these very simple but deep questions, I’ve been able to again, reduce unnecessary conflict, miscommunications, resentment, and honestly.

Simply by taking a moment to first ask, what is the purpose, AKA motivation behind this communication, it enables me and honestly, anyone who uses it to be able to connect in a more meaningful and impactful way and to be heard more clearly. Plus, the best part is it all, but guarantees that resentments, mismatched [00:12:30] expectations and frustrations are minimized.

The last powerful question I ask myself is, will this matter in five years or at my funeral? I know it’s a little dramatic, but the reason this question packed such a powerful perspective shift is that in today’s instant gratification world, we sometimes treat everything like an urgent emergency or a life altering moment in time when the reality is very few things are really that serious or emergent.[00:13:00] 

In fact, the only conversation or moment that matters is the one happening, right? , we can’t change the past and worrying about the future just causes a whole lot of stress. But what we can do is make magic in the present, because right now, this moment is the only moment in time that we can consciously create things.

It’s the only moment in time that we can make our goals of reality. It’s the only moment in time that we have any control over. So my advice to you is next time you’re angry about the past [00:13:30] or stressed about the. Ask yourself, what is the only conversation or moment that matters and hear yourself say back, the one happening right now.

And adjust your perspective accordingly, your future self will. Thank you. Alright, that’s it for this week’s episode. I hope I gave you some golden nuggets and tools to take into your day and your relationships to elevate them and you to the next level. Thanks so much for listening in. If anything I shared sparked something in you, [00:14:00] I’d love to hear from you.

Let’s connect. Tag me or DM me on Instagram at it’s Lauren Goldstein or LinkedIn or wherever you hang out on the. Also, don’t forget to subscribe, so you are the first to get notified when our next episode is live and ready for your. Thanks so much for listening. Until next time,[00:14:30] 

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