Have you ever been in a situation where conversations with someone on your team, or even in your personal life, that are just not working?
You feel like you are talking by one another, or they ask for your help but then don’t listen to you, or you just can’t figure out what the heck they want from you?
Well, I have been there and quite frankly I am not sure there is anything worse.
For me this kind of friction and conflict makes me want to disengage, avoid, and sometimes even makes me resentful of the relationship.
Or rather it did until I learned this emotional intelligence (EQ) tool that quite literally changed everything.
To illustrate this amazing tool’s ability to nip conflict and relational friction in the bud let me share this story.
It was about two years ago, back when I was fractional COO for one of our family businesses. (working with family is a whole nothing post/animal for a different day, so stay with me).
We were in the hungover period of Rona like so many other businesses. We had just spent the past year keeping everything afloat when the world shut down and were trying to get everything back to normal against some pretty crazy supply chain challenges and whiplash from the shut down.
It was a trying time to say the least and I will never forget this conversation.
My dad had called me and was lamenting about all the issues in the business he was seeing/struggling with trying to get us back to where we were in 2019 (and better).
Of course as COO I immediately start thinking and strategizing how we could problem solve these issues in the most efficient and simple way to get us back to flow.
After all, I thought that is why he called me…
Well in a huff he says – “Why can’t you just listen to me without trying to fix everything I am sharing about??”
You know in movies where the record scratches, screeches to a halt and you could hear a pin drop?
Well, this was that kind of moment.
I can’t remember exactly what I said but it was something along the lines of – “Oh! Sorry! I didn’t realize you called just to vent…. I thought you needed my brain to help you troubleshoot! Thank you for letting me know…”
And that folks leads me to the EQ tool that changed everything – and makes working with family a heck of a lot easier.
Ready? Here it is:
“Do you want me to listen or do you want me to support?”
Talk about mind blowingly simple, right?
See the beauty of this is three things: One it makes us actually take a breath before responding to someone, two it opens up ALL the avenues for how we can support/help someone, AND it allows them to ask for what they really need in the moment!
Asking this has quite literally changed every relationship I have for the better.
This question has also decreased my stress levels drastically because I don’t have to jump into tag teaming, trouble shooting mode right away and I don’t have to try to mind read!
I get to be present and see what they are actually requesting of me rather than assuming.
It is also incredible how much appreciation I get for asking it.
It’s almost like it removes any charge from a conversation and sets us on the same page instantly.
You can use this with your significant other, your team, your kiddos, really anyone.
It is truly remarkable what we can learn from someone when we take the time to listen to what they really are looking for or needing from us.
Give it a whirl and let me know how it goes!
Until next time.
P.s. On a slightly unrelated note. I am doing a “COO Office Hours – Ask me anything Q&A” tomorrow (Thursday, May 25, 2023) at 2pm CST! I’ll be wearing my COO hat and talking all things having to do with business operations, teams, profitability, leadership, or scaling your business. So grab yourself and a fellow business owner and come pick my brain about a team or ops challenge that’s been keeping you up at night.
No schedule, no prompts, just step into my virtual office whenever between 2pm and 3pm and if you want we’ll pop into a private zoom breakout room just you and me to get you over this hurdle and back in business!
